So today I was listening to Macklemore while working out and one of his songs really struck a chord with me. It’s a song called “Starting Over” and it’s essentially about how he felt when he relapsed on drugs or alcohol after being sober for a while. 

It was weird how relevant the song was to things in my life I go through now after being on The Biggest Loser. He talks about how he doesn’t feel worthy of being looked up to for his sobriety because of one slip up and he feels like a failure because of one small decision. It’s so strange how well this correlates with what I am going through. You know, I spent half a year training and being the best I could be for biggest loser, lost 100 lbs and was a real inspiration for people, but every time I slip up and eat McDonald’s or skip going to the gym when I really should, I feel like a failure and it makes me sink back in to myself and stay away from the public eye. 

The part of the song that punched me in the metaphorical face is when he’s talking about the fan who comes up to him talking about how his music helped her stay clean for going on 9 months and how he’s an inspiration to her not even 48 hours after he relapsed… Gah… That just gets me because I’ve had the same situation. It’s like I will slip up and do something really unhealthy and all of a sudden God brings someone up to me who is all,
“I lost 40 lbs while watching you on TBL and I just want you to know how much of an inspiration you are.” 
At that point I just want to sink into nothing and go die because I feel like a fake and a fraud. 

People struggle with their own thing. Whether it’s Macklemore with substance abuse or me with my own type of abuse that just happens to be the exact substance we need to fuel our bodies and live. He says,
“If I can be an example of getting sober, then I can be an example of starting over.” 
It’s like he’s saying exactly what I want to tell people. I was a great example and inspiration for people while I was on TBL, and I know the truth of that. However, I have slipped up and I have failed myself and the others who look up to me at times… what that means is I now need to be that example of starting over and regaining (or reLOSING, I guess) what I did before. 

These are my thoughts today… Pretty deep, I know… 
Here’s something to lighten the mood. 

Yeah… It’s Lil’ Bub. 

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